how can you do this to me?

How can you ignore someone and act like they are not even there? Or basically just pay attention to them whenever it is convenient for you. Shew, listening to those songs really don't help me ("Forgive Me" and "Over You"). Both songs make me sad. I'm afraid that not many will wish me 'happy birthday'. I always have that fear. I'm also afraid that not many people will show up tomorrow night. I still haven't got to talk to my friend "Jay." Last time we talked on the net was about 1 1/2 weeks ago. Last time we had a heart-to-heart was more like around the first of April. Man, I miss those :*( I just have so much to tell him. Have you ever been in a crowded room (usually a place where you both go a lot) and looked for that one particular person to find them not there? I have. Yeah, it sucks. Or when you have some type of news and they are the one person you want to tell, but you can't... 'cause they aren't there. When you go from talking every day or once every day or so to nothing, it is really kind of sad. It makes me really sad and just think about the situation over and over. I really want my computer fixed, so I won't have to be in the living room. I just want to cry. I mean I am really sad. I shouldn't be, but I am. I haven't got some text messages responses :*( I know they got them. It is either one of two situations. One, they received it and is busy. Basically, haven't got the chance to respond. Two, they received the message and read it, but basically ignored it. Good news, my best friend, John is coming in on Friday. I am not really looking forward to my birthday. I mean I am, but I know...well I just know that a few certain someones won't be there. It is okay. That is why I am bracing myself tonight for tomorrow. I already know the inevitable. Might as well be prepared, you know? Just come to terms with it, and accept it. It might not turn out as I want, but life happens. There is nothing you can do about it. I am for the most part doing okay, except at night. I just wish I knew what was going on. Maybe things would be better if things went back to the way they were. Everything seemed a little better. I could be wrong? Probably not. I am usually right about things. I act strong, but deep down I am weak. I am for the most part strong though. I don't know. I just hope everything gets resolves and turns out like I want it to.

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

"The Story"-Brandi Carlile

"Forgive Me" by Evanescence

Can you forgive me again
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you

I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurts so much to hurt you

Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken

I'd give anything now
To kill those words for you

Each time I say something I regret
I cry, I don't want to lose you
But somehow I know that you will never leave me

Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive

So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside
That I'm sorry

And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you

over you

I can totally relate to this. I just want to share it with you guys. I've totally felt that way. Maybe I do right now : (

Go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9xdDmNZ7oU- "over you"

I couldn't embed it : ( The link above is about Addison getting over Derek and her relationships with Mark.

I found the same song, but here a video that involves Meredith and Derek instead. Go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzWEzbcQ-9E



Here are the song lyrics that go along with it:
Song is "Over You" by Daughtry. No copyright infringement intended.


For those who don't know the lyrics:


Now that it's all said and done
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I felt as if I was in way to deep
Guess I let you get the best of me

(Chorus)
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time ago!
And I never thought I'd doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally gettin' better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you!!!

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say,
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of other's opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me

(Chorus)

Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know

Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time ago
Now I'm slowly getting closer
I guess it's really over
I'm finally gettin' better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
And I got over you!!!

The day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you...

second chances? hmm...maybe

Not everyone deserves second chances. Sometimes one chance is all a person should get. Well, if I screwed up, I would want another chance. Anyways, anything after a second chance, is just dumb. If people do something, they are just going to do it again. Move on. No one, and I mean no one deserves three, four, or a million chances. Two at the most is what everyone should get.

I miss my one friend dearly. I talked to him on the net like a week ago. I have been trying to call, but there hasn't been any answer whatsoever. He hasn't called me back either. I have so much to tell him, and I just want to hear his voice. I miss you J :(

I am excited though that my BFF, John is coming in for my birthday : )

would you rather know or not know?

Would you rather know or not know something? No matter what the answer may be. When we are presented with situations, we all look for a 'certain' answer. So, yes I want to know something, but only if I get the answer I am looking for. Luckily, recently, I have found out things, and I got the answer I am looking for. I'm glad I found out, instead of wondering. I wasn't necessarily wondering, but it was just a good thing to know. It made me happy. Things turned out like I wanted. YES! I knew it was bound to happen.

Sometimes knowing whatever the outcome is can change your life and can cause you to live life differently.

Love... I don't know if it exists. I have said, "I love you" before. No, I did not say it, just because they said it. I said it because that is how I felt in the moment. Looking back, I really don't believe that is what is was. Who knows?

wow...what a hottie!

There has to be something said about the older man. OK! magazine (issue date April 16, 2007) listed the top ten hot guys over 40. I would definitely have to agree.

(10) Richard Gere, age 57. (9) Pierce Brosnan, age 54. (8) Denzel Washington, age 52. (7) Hugh Grant, age 46. (6) Clive Owen, age 42. (5) Johnny Depp, age 43. (4) George Clooney, age 45. (3) Hugh Laurie, age 47. (2) Patrick Dempsey, age 41. (1) Brad Pitt, age 43.

"Sure, a young fresh-faced movie dude is all well and good, but what about those gorgeous guys with a little wear around the eyes and a touch of gray in the hair."-OK! magazine

i am not dumb...i have beauty and brains!

Not recently, but sometime in the past week or so, I have been down. Mostly, the weekend of Easter. Anyway, I have just feel like a complete idiot at times. There are times that I feel inadequate to everyone around me. I just feel like no one takes me seriously. Well, that's just an exaggeration. Just some people, that's all. I chose my battles. I appear to be right the majority, if not all the time. The reason behind that is, I don't open my mouth about things I don't know much about. If I happened to make a mistake, I be admit it. Just one thing I hate is when people act like I am stupid. Just when people don't believe what I say, even though I know what I am talking about. I would even have proof, but they still wouldn't believe it. I guess they just want to be the right one. It just makes me upset when people do that. It is like they are questioning my intelligence. Whatever! When I have fucking proof about something, just step up and admit you are wrong. I do not like confrontation. I just don't want someone walking around acting all superior than me or trying to show off. That is not going to get you anywhere. I can be serious and funny. I guess when you have some sort of sense of humor, people don't take you are seriously. I can be serious too. I just hate it when people thinking I am being funny, when I am actually being 110% serious. Sarcasm is a second language to me. Some don't get it. Seriously, if you really know me...you know when I am being sarcastic. You don't have to come out and say someone is dumb. It can be implied by a person's actions or comments. I just don't know. I hate "certain" questions. I don't care to answer questions. Not at all. John, you know what I am talking about. Anyway, I have came to the conclusion that I am not smart. I am just destined to become some man's "trophy wife." I know that is what will happened. I don't feel smart, and certainly cannot be taken seriously by certain people. Just because I am a woman and attractive (as I have been told), doesn't mean I am not smart. There is nothing wrong with being a trophy wife. I just see the term, "trophy wife" as an attractive, not very smart woman who stands in the shadows of her husband. Anyways, if that is the card life deals me, then that's okay. I have come to accepted my fate. I have just felt this way for awhile, and I really have never depended on another to build me up. I have just been feeling this way lately. Does anyone care? I am trying to better myself. Sometimes I believe a "certain" occupation would validate me and make me receive the respect I deserved. I plan to go to get my double major, and then go to grad school for Psychology. I'm probably going to go to UK. I had this one unattainable fantasy about me and a certain someone. It was just talking about it for fun. We were serious and somewhat playful. I just feel like that wouldn't have been the route that I wanted to take. It was a nice 'fantasy' to think about, but that's all. If I was to live on the beach, it would be North Carolina or somewhere like that... most likely not Florida. Ahh, hell... I don't know! I have never been there. I just take one step at a time. I am a strong person. I hardly ever cry. If and when I do, it is rare. I more so cry alone, or cry to someone on the phone. Never cry in front of anyone. I just don't. Crying just seems like a sign of weakness. It makes you vulnerable. Crying involves a lot of emotions. I wish for once people would take me seriously. Just once! I have always been the "pretty girl." No one really has been like... there's the "smart" girl. They have placed too much emphasis on looks. I have both beauty and brains. No one is perfect. Everyone has little imperfections about their bodies. That is what makes you uniquely you. Do not point them out. I know there are there. I am well educated to know if someone isn't right. Anyways, it is like they are reminding me... hey you are far from perfect. Like I said, no one is perfect. Just stop pointing it out. No one mentions it. They notice, but they just don't ask. They just know not to. It's just rude otherwise. Thank you!

what can i say

*one of my fave songs from the Grey's Anatomy soundtrack...
"What Can I Say" by Brandi Carlile

Look to the clock on the wall
Hands hardly moving at all.
I can't stand the state that I'm in
Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in

Oh lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away
Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say

I try to bury my troubles away
Drown my sorrows the same way
It seems that no matter how hard I try
It feel like theres something just missing inside

Oh lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away
Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
Oh lord what can I say

How many rules can I break
How many lies can I make
How many roads must I turn
To find me a place where the bridge hasn't burned

Oh lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away
Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be

Oh lord what can I say
I am so sad since you went away
Time time ticking on me
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord what can I say
Oh Lord what can I say

how crazy?

Can you believe all this craziness? It is freakin' snowing in April. On Thursday, it was just a few flurries. Now, on Friday, it is almost like a blizzard. This weather is so unpredictable. I need somewhere stable. I can't believe it has the possibility to snow on my birthday. All I hope is that is doesn't rain. Rain seems to be the least of my worries now.

I'm excited about this coming weekend. (April 14)

I got everything taken care of dealing with my classes. I have a new advisor and a double major.

I have a new job at Peebles. I started today, and I actually like it.

Anyway, I am getting so discouraged about my plans after college. I hope to make all A's or B's in all my psychology classes. I want to go to graduate school. I just feel like whatever I do, I am not going to be a success. I guess I tend to rely on others for support, since I lack confidence. I am so afraid I am doomed to stay in Kentucky, or worse Pikeville. I do not want to live here. I want to live in Florida : ) I am so afraid I want be accepted until graduate school. There are so many things that I need to plan out. The only thing I want is to be successful, make a good living, have a good marriage, and be happy. Aren't those things we all want though? I want to live the American Dream. I know there will be hardships and disappointments along the way. I just want to know I will have someone to lean on for support to get through the tough times, whether that be a lover, boyfriend, husband, or friend. I'm scared of what the future holds.

I also do not want to lose touch with my dear friends. I do not know what I would do without them. Some I can tell anything thing too. Right off the top of my head, I can think of three people. One in which I have known since birth. He knows everything about me. Another in which I have known for almost five years. Lastly, one that I have known for one or two years. Sadly, none of these live here in Kentucky. I love to keep in touch with messenger, myspace, or on the cell. I really don't know where I would be without these guys. I've cried to each one and has gotten me through it. Love you guys so much. You know who you are! J. & J. & T.

Gawd...what depressing weather! Makes me think of December.

damn independent and made-for-tv movies..how am i supposed to find the music used in the movie?

Well, I was watching A Lot Like Love on one of my ENCORE channels. I have seen this movie numerous times. I even own this movies. I must have went to sleep, and when I woke up Forever Lulu also known as Along for the Ride was getting ready to go off. It is the 2000 version, not the 1987 version. I caught maybe the last ten minutes. I loved the song that played in the very last scenes, which then began playing in the credits. I didn't think anything of it. I was sure I would be able to find a soundtrack listing or would be able to find the songs on Morpheus. Sadly, that was not the case. If I had known that, I would have paid more attention to the credits. Anyway, I looked around and I saw someone post the title of the song with the singer on cdnow.com, which is now known as amazon.com. I still didn't have much luck, as no one else did. I did not find the drippy, love-sweet balled on Lauren Kinkade, or whatever her name is. I found another version, which might not be the second-best thing, but it works. The version I found is by some rock band named Skillet. You know longer can tell it is a ballad. It distracts you with the guitars blaring in the background, and the vocals are really aren't that great. This is just a song a woman should be singing. That's all. I guess I am going to have to double-check the name of the singer next time it is on and/or buy the DVD. This is a beautiful song. It is a song that everyone can relate to, which will make you think about a 'certain' person or make you want to cry. I'm guessing it will make you do both simultaneously. Just a side note, this did not make me think of an ex. Just throwing that out there. Here are the lyrics:



"Say Goodbye"

Things are changing
It seems strange and
I need to figure this out
You've got your life
I got mine
But you're all I cared about
Yesterday we were laughing
Today I'm left here asking
Where has all the time gone now
I'm left alone somehow
Growing up and getting older
I don't want to believe it's over

Chorus:
Don't say goodbye
Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight
Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I
And although we knew
This time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye

Do you remember
In December
How we swore we'd never change
Even though you're leaving
That our feelings
Would always stay the same
I wish we could be laughing
Instead I'm standing here asking
Do we have to end this now
Can we make it last somehow
We both know what we've gotta say, not today
Cause I don't wanna leave this way

Bridge:
And if it's over
It hurts but I'm giving you my word
I hope that you're always
Happy like we were
Happy like we were


Yesterday we were laughing (if you're gonna say goodbye)
Today I'm left here asking(if you're gonna say goodbye)
And although we knew this time would come for me and you
Don't say anything tonight
If you're gonna say goodbye

such good news...

My intended major was Psychology, and then I switched to Communication. I was going to get a minor in Spanish and Psychology. I was afraid I wouldn't get all my classes for my minor in Spanish. At least, I have all the grammar part out of the way. The minor in psychology required a class that was taught in the fall every other year. It turns up, that I have enough time to receive another major. I will graduate with well over 140 hours. I made out my schedule, hopefully for the last time! It just needs to be approved.

Here is my plan: (the one I am going by)



SUMMER I 2007

PSY 390 Special Topics: Shamanism





FALL 2007

PSY 285 Statistics for Social Sciences

PSY 390 Special Topics: Transition into the World

PSY 390 Special Topics: Positive Psychology

PSY 320 Psycho-Social Adjustment

HS 390 Co-morbidity

MUS 001 Concert Choir

COM 301 Communication Theory





SPRING 2008

PSY 215 Lifespan Development or PSY 315 Social Psychology

PSY 300 Experimental Psychology I

PSY 452 Interdisciplinary Commons

PSY or HS elective (not sure which other one I am going to take)

COM 400 Senior Seminar

COM 498 Internship in Communication

my plan

I have no comments about me meeting with my advisor or whatever to register for classes and be audited. Anyway, I have it entirely under control.

Here is my plan:

Summer '07-Session I

COM 498 Internship in Communication

PSY 390 Special Topics: Shamanism



Fall '07

COM 301 Communication Theory

PSY 390 Special Topics: Transition to the World

SOC 490 Special Topics: Addictive Behavior

SY 285 Statistics for Social Sciences

SPN 313 Survey of Latin American Literature

ENG 315 Linguistics



Spring '08

PSY 215 Lifespan Development

PSY 300 Experimental Psychology I

PSY 310 Psychology of Learning

COM 400 Senior Seminar



and then two of the following:

SPN 311 Culture of Mexico

SPN 312 Culture of Spain

SPN 314 Survey of Spanish Penisula Literature

SPN 390 Special Topics: ?